The Holidays, Elastic Hearts, Doable Resolutions & Love

It's 12/21/17.  Four more days until Christmas.  Eleven more days until New Year's Eve.

This time last year, I had just lost my mother.  I had also given my heart away.  It was decent.  This year, mom has been gone a year, my heart got cracked a bit, but I am also leaving my house more.  I would say that things are a little better.

Hearts are pretty elastic, you know?  So they tend to kind of stretch and shrink as needed.  Which is helpful in so many ways.  Sometimes it's hard to remember - but when I do, I feel much better.  I mean, I'm pretty goddamned awesome.  I am honest, about my feelings and in general; I am more open than you would probably think (about more things than you would probably think); I give a lot and expect little in return.  These are good things.  It makes for a big stretchy heart.

I had the privilege of  having Barbara Lynn Therese Gerke Longamore as my mother.  She taught me about love, the giving of it and the receiving.  She taught me about the joy of holidays - which I am trying to bring back into my heart.  One step at a time.  She taught me about the importance of family.  She taught me about the importance of always learning, being able to admit you are wrong, and that sometimes you just need a drink and some quiet.

I am going tomorrow with some friends to learn a little bit about blacksmithing - which is something I have always wanted to do.  No time like the present, right?

I was going to go out of town for New Years Eve, but I think instead I'll stay close - try to find something to do locally.  With people even!  I hate those dumb ass resolutions people talk about - like losing weight, suddenly eating healthy, etc.  I am going to work on real resolutions that are good for me - let's hope this list is doable:

I am going to take myself out.  Dinner and a movie is not something only reserved for couples or groups of friends.

I am going to continue my quest for learning.  If I want to learn it - I will do whatever I can to make that happen.  It doesn't matter how silly anyone else thinks the endeavor is.

I am going to keep reminding myself that hearts are stretchy, and rarely static.

I am going to do more with the people I care about.

I am going to continue with my Krav classes.

I am going to plan the trips I want to take so they actually *happen*.  Traveling is another thing that is not only reserved for couples or groups of friends.  I am fully capable of traveling on my own.

I am going to strive to celebrate all the holidays next year with the same fervor I did when Mom was alive.

Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Happy Holidays - and Happy New Year.

I love all of you - without explanation, fear, or regret  <3

Ran out of good sounding titles. Go me.

This time last year, I feel like I was doing a bit better.  At least in regards to grief, and handling the holidays with Mom gone. 

I just realized that I *wasn't* doing better last year... I was just fucking numb because she had died just three short months before hand.  Which kinda makes this like the first holiday with her gone, if that makes any sense.

Things still don't feel "right" - and they won't.  It is way more difficult to accustom yourself a new "right" than you might think.  Some of it is easier now.  Some of it isn't.

I would be OK with boycotting the holiday this year.  That however, isn't an option.  Joey will make it tolerable.  Since he's almost two he gets super excited over the lights - and I think he'll love unwrapping presents; that will be fun to watch and be a part of.

CBD oil is supposed to be here by Saturday (ha, we shall see) so that's a plus.  Shin guards have been ordered for class - because it remains one of the few things that helps me keep my balance (mentally) and padding is good.

On the upside - one of my sisters is moving to Maryland - so I have some place awesome to drive to in the Spring!

Snow Craziness, Anxiety, and Nature's Finest

We just recently had a shit ton of snow. Well, a shit ton for Georgia.  About twelve inches worth - which was enough to jack up everything, cause power to be lost, etc.  Being stuck in the house with people (family or no) was lots of fun for my anxiety!  No, really.  We survived though - lots of sleep, lots of blankets, and waiting not so patiently for the power to come back on.

My aunt recently suggested that I try CBD oil for my anxiety/insomnia issues.  She has used it since she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and her husband uses it for his insomnia.  It's not something I had considered before - not for any specific reason, I just hadn't thought about it.  I mean, I smoked A LOT of pot when I was younger. A lot. I guess I just didn't pay attention to anything having to do with cannabis that wasn't getting me high. Go figure.

I was also pretty chill when I smoked.  Hrm....  Kidding!  I'd just sleep non-stop.  Depression helps me with that as it is (although never at night, when I need it - stupid brain).  Anywho - so because I had little to no knowledge about CBD oil and how it could possibly help me, I did what I do.  I asked questions.  I pestered people I knew.  I researched.  I read ALL the things. Found medical studies that were published.  Then I asked more questions.  *shrug*  From everything I'm reading it could be pretty helpful.  It would be really nice to not have to pay a pharmacy an exorbitant amount of money every month just to keep my brain under control.  There are ten thousand companies, and brands out there.  Some are stupidly expensive - some are ridiculously cheap.  It's like anything else I suppose.

I went ahead and ordered a tincture, along with some free gelcaps to try - from the company my aunt uses.  Nothing elaborate.  Now - I just wait for it to get here.  I'm kinda excited!  *fingers crossed*  I might be able to go out and DO things - or not be on the verge of a panic attack while at class - or go to sleep at a normal hour and sleep the whole night all the way through!!

It's a Christmas miracle!!  ;)

Brain Gremlins Be Damned

Anxiety, especially social anxiety, is a bitch. I had an "omgimfatandslowandterrible" moment in class tonight. Just a moment.

I kept going though, which is the important part. In fact, that's fucking HUGE.  Yet, I cried the whole ride home, and while I was cleaning up. Why?? Brain Gremlins. Logically, I know I did good. Illogically, I keep repeating that falter in my head. That snowballs into a repeat of EVERY fuck up (Or perceived fuck up) that I've had this week, this month, etc.

Motherfucking Brain Gremlins.

I hate them.  So much. Can't let them win though, so here I am giving them the finger!!

Yep. I just metaphorically flipped off my own brain. Just roll with it.

Gimme some damn drugs!! Also, all hail Hypnos, Somnos, and the Zorya - please?

Yay!  I survived Thanksgiving!  In all seriousness, it was actually nice to not be at home.  Though, the drive was some bullshit.  Now, I'm just trying to get back in my regular groove.

I made the choice to cancel my health insurance about a month ago.  It was already close to the end of the year, it was stupidly expensive for nothing, and I had an alternative to getting my psych meds - easy peasy. 

Oooh.  That sounds interesting "psych meds".  I'm not *that* crazy though.  Just your every day(ish) type crazy.

Anywho.  Fast forward.  I have not yet been able to get to said alternative.  I have run out of three of the four meds that I typically take.  One of them has been gone for a while because it's so expensive, so really it's just two I guess.  One of them I took every night to help me sleep.  My insomnia is directly linked to my anxiety.  Brain won't turn off = no sleeps.  Out of that one.  I figured, no big deal - I can just take my benadryl, and pass the fuck out.

Except no, no - that's not actually how that will work!  Instead, I take my benadryl and my anxiety manages to completely override it.  To the point that for two nights now, I've been up at 2 or 3 am.  Wide awake.  WIDE. AWAKE.  widemotherfuckingawake.

Have I ever mentioned that I am the type of person who needs to get her full nights sleep?  Or else I become quite the bitchy bitch?  No?  Well, there you go.

So here I am.  Thursday.  I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep in the last 48.  There are still five more hours to get through for the work day, then I have an hour drive home to survive.  I'm supposed to have class tonight.  When I get home - if I have that feeling, the one you get when you know you're going to be up no matter what you do - I'll get ready and go.  If I get home, and think I can actually manage to sleep - well, for my safety and yours, that will be happening.

I am also irritated that it is turning into quite the goddamned ordeal to get my medication at all.  I mean, I'm not taking any fucking narcotics - nothing that is seriously "controlled" - so there shouldn't be an issue.  Thanks pharmaceutical companies - I hope your CEO's all get sand fleas in their underwear, two flat tires, and a difficult to diagnose rash.  Assholes.

Cogito Ergo Sum, Bring the Hip-Waders - Bullshit for Days

Hello, holiday anxiety - I have missed you so.

You would think that because I have this forum with which to express myself, said expression would be easier.  It is not.  It's a ruse.  I still stop and think "What if so and so reads it? Huh, maybe I shouldn't say that because X will not like it".  I am terrible at censoring myself.  I also hate censoring myself.

I understand that sometimes it is necessary in polite society to think about others before you speak.  I also understand that if you constantly stop yourself from speaking, eventually you will explode.  Normal people are capable of finding the middle ground.  Sadly - I'm not particularly normal.

A lot of the emotions that people deal with on a daily basis are the result of their interactions with other people.  It isn't necessary really, to go into the why of a thing, is it?  It is entirely possible to simply let a thing be.  I can say that I feel very lonely right now - without giving any sort of context, and that's fine.  It is its own thing.  I am lonely.  The why doesn't matter in the great scheme of things - except as a means for someone who is NOT you, to prod at your life.  Sometimes my emotions are the result of my brain preparing to handle future interactions.  I am anxious.  That is its own thing as well - and requires no context.

I wish it was possible to live life with no context, or no explanation.  People say it's possible.  That's a lie.

I am lonely.
I am anxious.
I am depressed.
I am cautiously optimistic.
I am dissatisfied.
I dislike the holidays.
I am angry.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to hit, until I can't breathe.
I am happy.
I want to be held.
I want no one to touch me.
I am happy.
I miss a person.
I miss a thing.
I have no patience.
I love.
I love her.
I love him.
I love them.
I love it.
I hate him, and her, and them.
I am tired, and apathetic.
I
I
I
I

All of those things are true - all of them.  Their context is only available within me.  There is some power to that I guess.  When you read them though, and think of me, you want to understand or know - and that's a human response.  I don't have to share though.  Ever.

When you read them, and think of you, then it changes things.  Those are your secret truths, with their context only inside of you.  Makes things very different doesn't it?  Makes you understand why a person would not want to share.  Every person has felt every one of those things.  Even if you won't admit it out loud - it's happened.  Own it.  Own it without explanation.

Especially with the holidays here.  Just fucking be whatever it is you are.  No one is happy all the damn time - just as no one is genuinely miserable all the damn time.  Trying to convince the world otherwise has to be exhausting.

Noodle Arms, Carpe Noctem, and Decorative Fucking Gourds.

I decided to let my family come to the most recent belt ceremony.  It went surprisingly well.  We did our thing, looked pretty good for the demo, and went back to regular classes last night.

Today?  My arms are noodles.  It's awesome!!  I declared I hated running, so Mr. SuperBeast decided to up the ante as Instructor was out.  I mean, of course it's going to suck when it's happening.  But - sorry not sorry guys.  Even if I have to get mad at myself, and I screw up a lot, I have to admit that I like working hard to get there.

I'm beginning to get better adjusted to the time change.  This is my time of year guys.  The first few days suck - but after that?  BRING ON THE NIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!  I have so much more energy, and... oomph I guess, in the fall and winter.

No.  Really.  It'll kick in any moment now.

I would like it a bit better if it wasn't almost 80 outside.  But hey - global warming isn't real, and the internet is made of a series of tubes.

Not looking forward to the holidays much - for obvious reasons.  It will be holiday season number two without Mom.  Goddammit.

I am currently contemplating whether or not I want to send out cards.  It's kind of a huge undertaking.  I mean, I like to get *awesome* cards - and they aren't cheap, and then stamps, and remembering to put them in the mail box.  I think the list of people that I actually like a lot has shrunk since last year too - I'll have to ponder it.  So who knows.  You might get a card.  If you do - be happy, because I obviously like you.  A lot.

Happy Decorative Fucking Gourd Season.