Cogito Ergo Sum, Bring the Hip-Waders - Bullshit for Days

Hello, holiday anxiety - I have missed you so.

You would think that because I have this forum with which to express myself, said expression would be easier.  It is not.  It's a ruse.  I still stop and think "What if so and so reads it? Huh, maybe I shouldn't say that because X will not like it".  I am terrible at censoring myself.  I also hate censoring myself.

I understand that sometimes it is necessary in polite society to think about others before you speak.  I also understand that if you constantly stop yourself from speaking, eventually you will explode.  Normal people are capable of finding the middle ground.  Sadly - I'm not particularly normal.

A lot of the emotions that people deal with on a daily basis are the result of their interactions with other people.  It isn't necessary really, to go into the why of a thing, is it?  It is entirely possible to simply let a thing be.  I can say that I feel very lonely right now - without giving any sort of context, and that's fine.  It is its own thing.  I am lonely.  The why doesn't matter in the great scheme of things - except as a means for someone who is NOT you, to prod at your life.  Sometimes my emotions are the result of my brain preparing to handle future interactions.  I am anxious.  That is its own thing as well - and requires no context.

I wish it was possible to live life with no context, or no explanation.  People say it's possible.  That's a lie.

I am lonely.
I am anxious.
I am depressed.
I am cautiously optimistic.
I am dissatisfied.
I dislike the holidays.
I am angry.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to hit, until I can't breathe.
I am happy.
I want to be held.
I want no one to touch me.
I am happy.
I miss a person.
I miss a thing.
I have no patience.
I love.
I love her.
I love him.
I love them.
I love it.
I hate him, and her, and them.
I am tired, and apathetic.
I
I
I
I

All of those things are true - all of them.  Their context is only available within me.  There is some power to that I guess.  When you read them though, and think of me, you want to understand or know - and that's a human response.  I don't have to share though.  Ever.

When you read them, and think of you, then it changes things.  Those are your secret truths, with their context only inside of you.  Makes things very different doesn't it?  Makes you understand why a person would not want to share.  Every person has felt every one of those things.  Even if you won't admit it out loud - it's happened.  Own it.  Own it without explanation.

Especially with the holidays here.  Just fucking be whatever it is you are.  No one is happy all the damn time - just as no one is genuinely miserable all the damn time.  Trying to convince the world otherwise has to be exhausting.