Chubby Girls DO Cuddle Better, Asshole Monkeys, and a Splash of Killin' It

This week has been testing week in Krav.  I completed, and passed, my test last night (woohoo!!!) so I am now a yellow belt two, or yellow with a black stripe, whatevs - closer and closer to getting better and better.  It was fun, it was hard, it was awesome.  It's nerve wracking for me - because I'm always afraid I'm going to fail, and I'm always afraid some of my class mates are going "easy" on me because I'm the fat girl.  I know that's not logical, so shut it - I get that.  Doesn't change the brain though, now does it?

This morning though, I saw on the social media page of Mini-Instructor a video titled "Lose Some Weight" (Found Here).  I watched it.  Turned the speakers on my computer here at work.  Dude.  That's a whole lot of truth packed into roughly five minutes. A LOT.  And yeah, those things do happen - being mocked at the gym, or if you are outside walking or running - hell it even happens at restaurants.  I never understood that - aside from being extremely hurtful, why would you be rude to someone who is obviously trying to better themselves?  I'm pretty confident - MOST of the time - but there are lots of little times where I just want to flop on the couch in my work out clothes, because going to the track to have a bunch of skinny folks watch me huff and puff doesn't sound fun.

The best part about this video though, is something that it took me a little while to figure out.  Perspective is everything.  Oh hell, I'm not perfect - I still get wonky, but I have changed and am changing my perspective on a lot of things.  The rude people on social media who make comments assuming you just sit on your ass all day?  Not my monkeys.  The rude people who give out smug looks at the gym?  Not my fucking monkeys.  The skinny people at the track who haven't broken a sweat and aren't breathing hard, and giggle as I go by?  STILL not my goddamned monkeys.  

They only matter as much as I let them.  

Being part of a collective class, as I have been for the past several months, has helped too.  We all want each other to succeed - to do the best that each person can do, and then beat that goal to hell and back.  Some of us are chubby (but adorable), some of us are more skilled than others, some are really young, some are older - but it really is like a little family.  When the girl in that video went to the pool party, and finally got in?  She realized that was her little family.  They weren't judging her.

So for my chubby chicks who struggle as much, more, or a little less than I do - any time you see a hater yell at them angrily, "YOU'RE NOT MY FUCKING MONKEY ASSHOLE!"

Kidding - that might be a bit much.  You can imagine it though. Not your circus, not your monkeys.  They mean nothing. Less than nothing.  They are the trash on the bottom of your beat to hell sneakers.  Do what you do.  Run if you want to.  Although, really - I don't understand running for no purpose.  But hey - be crazy!  

Me, too; Double Down; Raise 'em Right

You want to know what one of the most difficult things for me to do is?  Edit myself.  Censure myself.  Unfortunately, I feel like I have to do a lot of that.  I don't post truly personal things on my various social media accounts - and I don't feel as though I can go into detail here either because my life intersects with others.  It's frustrating beyond belief.

I will say this - a couple of weeks ago, I saw an end to something that I thought would last longer.  That's never a fun time.  In fact, it is still in the process of sucking.  But hey - for once, I didn't fuck things up!  That's all I will say about that.

         ------------------   OH NOES SHE'S GOING ON A RANT NOW  ---------------

I spend a lot of time in my head - as I've mentioned many times in the past.  I realized a couple things.  Wait - no, I did not.  These are things that I have always known, and or seen, and just haven't spoken about.

Trending all over social media right now is "Me, too".  Something women post to show that sexual harassment and sexual assault are far more prevalent than people like to think.  It's a fantastic idea - in theory.  Bear with me - and lets zoom out for a minute.

John F. Smith is a man in his mid to late thirties - he has an ex-wife, as well as two daughters.  He regularly jokes around in the "boys will be boys" manner that is damn near second nature to him.  Commenting among his friends on the looks of the waitress, or talking about how crazy his last girlfriend was, etc.  Nothing too terrible - obnoxious sure, but mostly overlooked by society at large.  When he's with his girls though, it's a different tune.  He wants them to be strong, intelligent, self-sufficient and independent.  He wants to make sure that his babies know how to take care of themselves, so they won't ever be taken advantage of. HIS daughter will not be treated that way!

GODDAMN IT - YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS

Is it really any wonder that we have an entire society of women who base their worth on the way they look, or how they behave in a relationship?  Sure - Dad wants you to do X, Y, and Z - but those things don't match what you've seen him do in his own relationships.  Those things don't match what the magazines, news papers, movies and television are telling you.  Actions all around you have shown that if you want to find love, happiness, and security - you can only do that while being beautiful, kind of helpless, and dumbing yourself down.

Strong?  She's a bitch.  She's stubborn.  She think's she's something she isn't.
Intelligent?  She's a bitch.  Good thing she's smart, she's not pretty.  Etc.
Self-sufficient?  She's a bitch.  She's probably gay.  Couldn't catch a man if she wanted to.
Independent?  She's a bitch.  She's probably gay.  She's trying to act like a man.  Dumb feminist.

So.. yeah.  I did, I hopped on that "Me, too" bandwagon because I have been sexually harassed, and it's a very honest thing.  I just wish there was more to it than just a social media trend.  All these wonderful women I know that are screaming either loudly, or internally "ME, TOO" and... that's it.  You're probably wondering, "What the hell does she want us to do??"

I don't know.  *shrug*  I really don't fucking know.  Perhaps call out your men (whether they be fathers, brothers, husbands, etc) whenever you see the dichotomy - especially if you have children?  Call out *yourself* if you suddenly realized that you have also shown your daughter, or nieces, that their worth is based on more than what's beneath their skin?  Because, I repeat - you can't have it both ways. 

I don't mean to belittle the voice that a lot of women have discovered with this trend.  I think it's beautiful.  I just also think that since we're all being so brave RIGHT NOW, we should continue that on - past the social media trend, into real life.  Make sure your little girls get a different set of guidelines - and make sure your little boys do too.  Then maybe in the next couple of generations there won't be a need for "Me, too".

Mirror Mirror on the wall - who has the craziest brain of all?

Starting things is difficult.  Ending things is difficult.  We are only really comfortable in the middle of our own stories - where we have the nostalgia of the past to comfort us, and the possibility of the future to keep us from feeling as though we are going nowhere.

It's bullshit though.  You know that, right?  Nothing you do will make the past the present - and the future's possibilities will remain just that if you don't do something NOW.

I might have to go live in a van down by the river - then get paid money to make that little couple sentence speech.  But I digress - as usual.

Obviously I survived the aftermath of the anniversary of mom's death.  I then further survived their wedding anniversary, which was on 9/16.  I can't say I survived it with any real grace - but I didn't stab anyone, so there's that.  My Instructor keeps telling me stabbing should be a last resort - I'm not entirely sure I agree with her, but it seems to be sticking a little bit.

I've had a case of the blues.  You know what - fuck that.  I remember doing a whole post about how we fall back on euphemisms because *saying* things makes people uncomfortable.  And I just did it again!!  REDO.

I have been ridiculously depressed and insecure for the past month or so.  Could it be that one year anniversary?  Sure.  Could it be their wedding anniversary, and watching my father slowly fall apart?  Sure.  Could it be that I already fucking despise the Summer - and here we are 9/29 and it's STILL goddamned 90 degrees out?  Sure!  All of the above!  Why not?

I am also however, painfully self aware.  I know it's illogical. I see that it's crazy.  Doesn't change anything.  I've been avoiding mirrors.  Because I'll feel fine, but then see myself in the mirror and cringe, thinking "I can't believe you left your cave beastlet, go back to the dark!!"  Of course, it is while my brain is rebelling against me that I *must* be in the front row in front of the HUGE mirrors in the studio for class.  Of course.

Hey, is anyone up there in the sky?  Maybe?  Fuck you.  Seriously though - fuck you.

I have had to hide the scale in my house. Well - technically, *I* couldn't hide it.  I had to have someone else hide it.  Right?  Because apparently I'm currently a moody 16 year old.  Stand back - I need to tuck my crazy back in for a sec.

It's not an every day thing.  I don't walk around hating myself.  I really don't.  If I did - I would totally admit it, especially here.  I promised myself I would be honest here. I mean, I'm always honest - but fuck it, you know what I mean.  It's just been  several weeks on a very rocky road - probably caused by a culmination of all of those things that caused me to just be... not OK.  And it hasn't completely gone yet.  I mean, little bits, here and there - but that's it. Off and on, up and down.  So please - no pity party stuff, yeah?

I am rather proud of myself though, because I have essentially told my brain it can fuck RIGHT off, and have pushed myself to class regardless.  And work - because you know, my creditors like to be paid.

Here's to continuing to get off my ass, making class, cussing out myself like a crazy lady, and attempting to chill the fuck out.

Wine.  I need wine.  

Tilt the scales and call it a win

Positive things:

Played lots of Skyrim this weekend.  Yeah, that's positive.  Finally started a Kahjiit character, I've always wanted a tail - 🤓

Watched my nephew. (Cutest nephew ever)

It's only in the 70's outside today (Mother nature, you fickle bitch you)

I have the most awesome dog and cat in the world (They are definitely better than yours, so shut it)

I have awesome people

I have an excellent Person.

I have an amazing BFF.

I have THE BEST teammates at class. (Teammates... seems off, but whatevs, I needed a word for everyone) 

I have some excellent family.

Negative things:

Tomorrow. 

I want to sleep for forty five days.

I also want to eat an entire strawberry funfetti cake - while sleeping for 45 days.

I am being super sensitive about stupid shit.

Progress.  Positive is longer than negative.  

Suck it up, Buttercup - Research rabbit holes, and counting down

Been a minute. Not even going to apologize.  Shit happens.  In this case - a lot of shit happened.

In different recent news, I applaud the folks that I deal with on a daily basis who were understanding during the brief time that I didn't have one of my medications.  Seriously - if I baked, I'd bake you cookies.  I don't though, so... thanks?

The good part of that happening is that I now know which ones I can afford (health wise) to skip if I can't afford them money-wise.  Handy. Yeah, fuck you insurance companies.  Also, fuck you pharmaceutical companies.  And fuck you lobbyists.  I think I'm done with that one.

This month sucks.  Bad.  The only good things in this month are the birthdays of two important people to me.  That's it.  I have gone to class.  I have gone to work.  I have smiled and nodded to a lot of people.  I've told everyone, "I'm fine, thanks".  I have attempted to submerge myself in books, news, crafts, gaming - seriously, you name it, I did it.  I have rabbit hole researched the strangest things - I found the CIA library, I learned more about Jeffrey Dahmer, and then I researched weird laws still on the books.  Oh!  And lots of cults, TI's and MK Ultra.  I'm reading Half Broke Horses - which is awesome.  I'm alternating between constant character creation on Skyrim, and like.. four other games.  I'm keeping up with what's going on in the country (we're fucked) and what's going on in the world (yep, we're fucked).

All of this in an attempt to behave as though I am not silently counting down the days to the anniversary of mom's death.  Today is 8/23/17.  It's 2:03 pm.  I have 6 days, 3 hours and 54 minutes to go.  It does't feel like it's been a year.

We're all a little touchy. I don't have much patience when I feel fabulous, so I really have none now - and I don't care.  I mean, seriously - I do not care.  Don't care if I hurt your feelings.  Don't care if you are offended by the way I'm attempting to cope.  Don't care if you agree with me.  Don't care if you don't agree with me. I am swimming in a large warm pool of apathy and anger.  At least right now. Please don't poke the bear - and please don't decide you hate me until after the 29th, ok?

Gimme a couple hours, it'll change.  Kinda like the weather.

I think I may go camp the weekend after.  Drink entirely too much booze in the woods, be sweaty, sleep. Sing loudly and badly because I can.  Yeah.

Belt Ceremony and Summertime Blues

*Wince*  Almost a month - whoops.  Sorry guys.

In the last post, I got all sappy over the way the people I'm in class with have impacted my life.  I had just completed my belt test.  All is gravy.

On July 1st, 2017, I (with the rest of my class) did a demonstration and received my belt and certificate.  I didn't choke.  I didn't NOT go (I thought about it though), and I didn't suck.  Which was freaking amazing.  I got some encouraging messages from my BFF (who was there) and from my Person (who was not there) and it was great!

It's currently July 21st, 2017.  I know, I'm slacking.  But.. it's the Summer.  Which means...

SUMMERTIME BLUES, BABY!!

Seriously.  Summer is my depression time.  I mean, it's obviously better than it would be if I wasn't medicated.  But it's hard to force myself to do things.  I am literally forcing myself to go to class twice a week.  And honestly?  Some weeks I'm not doing the forcing - I have to have the BFF or the Person guilt me into going.  (If you don't believe this is a thing, go research)

Plus side to Summer:

-_-  None?


Down side to Summer:

Hot
Too damn bright
Hot
Too damn bright - repeat.

I'm also coming up on the one year anniversary of mom's death.  It will be 8/29/17.  So I'm fairly sure life is going to suck for a little while.

I am promising myself though to DO MY BEST to move, and to haul my ass to class through the heat, the light, the blues, and the suck.  If you get a text from me, or an FB message whining about not wanting to go - talk me out of it.  I need that sometimes.

Burning off the Insanity, Taking Freedom, and Becoming

I did the thing.  Yep.  Did it.  I went to Krav on Tuesday, and I completed my belt test.  I didn't fail - and I didn't give up.  I mean, I will only be a lowly level one yellow - but you know what?  That's a BIG deal on this side of things.

I've always been a big girl.  Well - at least since puberty anyway.  That combined with extreme social anxiety, my issues with spaces, and all the rest of my crazy little quirks is kind of a recipe for disaster.  When Mom was sick, I didn't have to push myself too much because I *needed* to be at home.  It wasn't an excuse, or a justification, it just was the way it was.

Now, by that same token - I've also always had pretty good self-esteem.  This may seem backwards, but what the hell else is new with my brain?  I think I'm pretty.  I think I'm awesome. I think I'm pretty damned awesome.  I'm pretty damned awesome, and I like to be tucked into my hidey hole where I can be pretty, awesome, and pretty damned awesome, all on my own.  So the kicker was pushing out.  Which I've mentioned so many times in the past here that I'm sure it's sickening to hear again - but get over it asshats.  This is for me, not you.

So AMD (After Mom Died for those of you who may have forgotten), I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can leave.  I don't have to have a specific schedule.  I can go out of town if I want (doing that this weekend actually!).  I can *gasp* BE LATE - because I don't have to leave at a specific time.  (If you have been a victim of my recent lateness, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not - I'm testing out my own little freedoms so piss off).

Since I *can* leave, and us crazy folks like to do things in baby steps - I need reasons to leave so that I just don't drive around aimlessly and end up places like Lagrange - for NO reason.  Yeah.  That's happened before.  Enter Krav Maga.  My reason for being out on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  My "push yourself outside the comfort zone" experiment.  Which has rapidly turned into a way to keep me sane(er) (ish?).  Yeah - I still take meds, but when I go to class there's not a whole lot of time DURING class for me to be anxious or worried about anything.  I'm too busy trying to hit, kick, grapple - OR - not GET hit, kicked, etc.  It's like this beautiful off switch.  So I don't think I'll be giving it up any time soon.

HOWEVER.

This does not mean that I don't freak the fuck out BEFORE class.  Holy jeebus on a godsdamned crutch.  I was so nervous Tuesday that I double drugged myself.  I almost didn't go.  I almost convinced myself I didn't NEED that.  I was wrong. I do need it.  For myself.  I was really proud of myself, and I still am.  One of my sisters was surprised when I told her that I wasn't going to have anyone come to the belt ceremony.  Not because I'm anxious, or embarrassed - but because for right now - and for the next little bit - THIS IS MINE.  I'm not sharing it - except in words, right here.  I don't need to show anyone how hard I have worked, and will continue to work - except me.

Thanks to all my class mates too - and of course my Instructor.  I know it's gotta be frustrating sometimes to have the slowest person on your team for drills - but you never EVER make me feel that way, and for that I am grateful.  I could not get comfortable, and push myself to improve, without that. Between that, and my own mental gymnastics, I am ever so slowly Becoming.  /sap

Yeah, that's enough of that bullshit.  <3