Mirror Mirror on the wall - who has the craziest brain of all?

Starting things is difficult.  Ending things is difficult.  We are only really comfortable in the middle of our own stories - where we have the nostalgia of the past to comfort us, and the possibility of the future to keep us from feeling as though we are going nowhere.

It's bullshit though.  You know that, right?  Nothing you do will make the past the present - and the future's possibilities will remain just that if you don't do something NOW.

I might have to go live in a van down by the river - then get paid money to make that little couple sentence speech.  But I digress - as usual.

Obviously I survived the aftermath of the anniversary of mom's death.  I then further survived their wedding anniversary, which was on 9/16.  I can't say I survived it with any real grace - but I didn't stab anyone, so there's that.  My Instructor keeps telling me stabbing should be a last resort - I'm not entirely sure I agree with her, but it seems to be sticking a little bit.

I've had a case of the blues.  You know what - fuck that.  I remember doing a whole post about how we fall back on euphemisms because *saying* things makes people uncomfortable.  And I just did it again!!  REDO.

I have been ridiculously depressed and insecure for the past month or so.  Could it be that one year anniversary?  Sure.  Could it be their wedding anniversary, and watching my father slowly fall apart?  Sure.  Could it be that I already fucking despise the Summer - and here we are 9/29 and it's STILL goddamned 90 degrees out?  Sure!  All of the above!  Why not?

I am also however, painfully self aware.  I know it's illogical. I see that it's crazy.  Doesn't change anything.  I've been avoiding mirrors.  Because I'll feel fine, but then see myself in the mirror and cringe, thinking "I can't believe you left your cave beastlet, go back to the dark!!"  Of course, it is while my brain is rebelling against me that I *must* be in the front row in front of the HUGE mirrors in the studio for class.  Of course.

Hey, is anyone up there in the sky?  Maybe?  Fuck you.  Seriously though - fuck you.

I have had to hide the scale in my house. Well - technically, *I* couldn't hide it.  I had to have someone else hide it.  Right?  Because apparently I'm currently a moody 16 year old.  Stand back - I need to tuck my crazy back in for a sec.

It's not an every day thing.  I don't walk around hating myself.  I really don't.  If I did - I would totally admit it, especially here.  I promised myself I would be honest here. I mean, I'm always honest - but fuck it, you know what I mean.  It's just been  several weeks on a very rocky road - probably caused by a culmination of all of those things that caused me to just be... not OK.  And it hasn't completely gone yet.  I mean, little bits, here and there - but that's it. Off and on, up and down.  So please - no pity party stuff, yeah?

I am rather proud of myself though, because I have essentially told my brain it can fuck RIGHT off, and have pushed myself to class regardless.  And work - because you know, my creditors like to be paid.

Here's to continuing to get off my ass, making class, cussing out myself like a crazy lady, and attempting to chill the fuck out.

Wine.  I need wine.