I did the thing. Yep. Did it. I went to Krav on Tuesday, and I completed my belt test. I didn't fail - and I didn't give up. I mean, I will only be a lowly level one yellow - but you know what? That's a BIG deal on this side of things.
I've always been a big girl. Well - at least since puberty anyway. That combined with extreme social anxiety, my issues with spaces, and all the rest of my crazy little quirks is kind of a recipe for disaster. When Mom was sick, I didn't have to push myself too much because I *needed* to be at home. It wasn't an excuse, or a justification, it just was the way it was.
Now, by that same token - I've also always had pretty good self-esteem. This may seem backwards, but what the hell else is new with my brain? I think I'm pretty. I think I'm awesome. I think I'm pretty damned awesome. I'm pretty damned awesome, and I like to be tucked into my hidey hole where I can be pretty, awesome, and pretty damned awesome, all on my own. So the kicker was pushing out. Which I've mentioned so many times in the past here that I'm sure it's sickening to hear again - but get over it asshats. This is for me, not you.
So AMD (After Mom Died for those of you who may have forgotten), I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can leave. I don't have to have a specific schedule. I can go out of town if I want (doing that this weekend actually!). I can *gasp* BE LATE - because I don't have to leave at a specific time. (If you have been a victim of my recent lateness, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not - I'm testing out my own little freedoms so piss off).
Since I *can* leave, and us crazy folks like to do things in baby steps - I need reasons to leave so that I just don't drive around aimlessly and end up places like Lagrange - for NO reason. Yeah. That's happened before. Enter Krav Maga. My reason for being out on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My "push yourself outside the comfort zone" experiment. Which has rapidly turned into a way to keep me sane(er) (ish?). Yeah - I still take meds, but when I go to class there's not a whole lot of time DURING class for me to be anxious or worried about anything. I'm too busy trying to hit, kick, grapple - OR - not GET hit, kicked, etc. It's like this beautiful off switch. So I don't think I'll be giving it up any time soon.
HOWEVER.
This does not mean that I don't freak the fuck out BEFORE class. Holy jeebus on a godsdamned crutch. I was so nervous Tuesday that I double drugged myself. I almost didn't go. I almost convinced myself I didn't NEED that. I was wrong. I do need it. For myself. I was really proud of myself, and I still am. One of my sisters was surprised when I told her that I wasn't going to have anyone come to the belt ceremony. Not because I'm anxious, or embarrassed - but because for right now - and for the next little bit - THIS IS MINE. I'm not sharing it - except in words, right here. I don't need to show anyone how hard I have worked, and will continue to work - except me.
Thanks to all my class mates too - and of course my Instructor. I know it's gotta be frustrating sometimes to have the slowest person on your team for drills - but you never EVER make me feel that way, and for that I am grateful. I could not get comfortable, and push myself to improve, without that. Between that, and my own mental gymnastics, I am ever so slowly Becoming. /sap
Yeah, that's enough of that bullshit. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment