Patience, please. I'm fucking things up as fast as I can.

I stopped blogging. I stopped because I felt like I couldn't be honest anymore.

I'm always honest, at least about myself. The problem is that sometimes my story intersects with other people and situations.

"If I write about how X made me feel, then Person A will be upset/sad/anxious/worried/angry/embarrassed."

How do you separate? I'm still not great at it.

So. I am in the midst of a fairly terrible bout of depression. I don't talk about it. Very rarely. Who wants to hear that? And really, what is there to say? I am sad, a lot. I cry way more than I let on. Over stupid shit - like not being invited to something with friends (because apparently depression brain is 12), or over the fact that I can't do some move I've learned in Krav perfect, immediately after learning it. I cry because I am broke - or because the dude in the grocery store bagging my stuff looked at me funny.

This doesn't happen every day - not even every week.  So don't go freaking out thinking I've lost my mind.  Just often enough to be annoying. Typically right after I've convinced myself that: Hey! I am Ok!!!

It's a catch fucking twenty two because you want people to know - hey, I'm going through a thing - but you don't want all the side eye "is she ok"s, or people freaking out and treating you differently, or even asking a bunch of questions that you can't answer.

"What's up? Why are you down?"

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

I just am. It is what it is. It comes and goes. It's gotten a little worse since I quit smoking. I have no fucking idea.

I do know that it gets exponentially worse when I spend more time on social media.

Let's think about that for a second. Hrm... Yep, people all the world over are absofuckinglutely shitty to each other and we all congregate online. That's also a catch 22. Want to talk to folks, or be involved in something, and bam - shitty people. Hard pass.

It's cooling off. Some. I guess I gotta double down on myself, and seriously stay away from social media stuff in the evening, on the weekends. Haul my fat ass to the track, or the trail. Hopefully?

I dunno. I see it. I'm working on it. Just don't give up on me. Be patient. I'm trying to as well.

May, you motherfucker.

*waves*  Hiya.  Yeah, it's been another couple of months.  I'm not entirely certain that blogging once every couple of months is helpful at all - but what the hell, right?  Certainly can't hurt.

I'm still trying to transition more away from FB.  It's hard.  I've not done a good job of it.  So there you go - one small failure, documented.

Oi vay.  Yeah, I know - but hey, let's go ahead and set the tone right for this shite!  It's MAY!

That's right.  May.  My birthday is tomorrow.  May 4th.  May the 4th be with you.  You'll never forget it - Star Wars Day, etc.  I have always been a birthday person.  I have enjoyed celebrating my own, and other people's.  I mean - birthday weeks, cards, gifts, cake - what's not to like?

Except May also has mom's birthday.  And mother's day.  And my friend Ian's birthday (and he just died).  So.  Yeah.  May.  I want to enjoy you.  I want to be able to be as silly as I used to be, and have ridiculous shenanigans and smiles and laughter and it's my birthday nonsense.

I just can't.  I'm trying.  I actually made a plan to go out for my birthday, invited damn near every person I know.  I have considered canceling the whole thing since then.  I'm not going to.  I figure if I need to leave, I will.

I keep thinking this is the hour/day/week/month/year that I can be like, "Oh hey, I'm good now!" in regards to ninja grief.  Every damn time, I'm wrong though.

So hey - sorry I'm weird this month.  But.. reasons.  I'm trying.  And it's fucking hard.  Hopefully, I'll see a few of you tomorrow, and we can be silly and happy and all that jazz.

In the mean time, I'm going to GO to class tonight (I was going to bail) and work hard enough that there's no room for that bullshit in my brain.  Here's hoping it works!  ;)

***Turns out I wasn't done.

I miss talking to mom after I got out of work.  I'm a huge nerd - I love to research things.  I'll find something that I don't know a lot about, or just something I'm fascinated with - and then dive in.  Even when I'm busy at work, I find something new to discover.  Then I would go home and tell mom.  Granted - she was a captive audience haha, since she was bed bound - but trust me, she could still let you know if you were getting on her damn nerves.  She ALWAYS paid attention, because what I had to say mattered - even if the topic at hand wasn't something she cared about.  If she really didn't like it - or thought it was dumb, I'd get an epic eye roll and a chuckle.  She still listened.  I stopped gathering info to share like that.  I think I'll start that back up, and harass other random people with it.

On tribes, screwing up, and talking it out

A little while ago, I deactivated my Facebook account for about 3 days. It was getting to be too much. I opened it back up, and said ok... you were so much happier without it, leave it be. It can exist without you constantly checking it.

Riiiiight. I failed hard on that one. I turned off the notifications on my phone, but gradually started checking it more and more frequently.  I don't claim that it's the same for each person, but for me, the NOW mentality is brutal. The need to know NOW how a person reacted, or commented to a specific thing. The need to know NOW if a person replied to a comment. Why? Why is that necessary? I think I would rather wait and receive a well thought out reply, or answer, than anything given in the NOW mentality. 

That all sounds super hoity-toity -  but eh, I don't mean it that way. 

I guess I feel like the value in an instantaneous relationship - whether that is a friendship, conversation among peers, or even the comments made to strangers on a news article - is low.  Yes, I  some instances I'm sure it can be high, but really? It's low. They are reactive. I know I'm not perfect, so I know that my initial reactions (when prompted by anything I feel passionately about) are not always... erudite, succinct, or hell - even kind. Maybe other people are good at it - I'm not. I'm also bad at passive aggressive.

JESUS WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY WOMAN?!

I guess because I'm bad at it, I need to steer my focus away from it. I need to foster more personal relationships - where we actually talk. Oh don't freak, messages are fine, but REAL conversations. I want to have my tribe. I want my tribe to be full of real people I can count on for more than a comment or a reaction.

I just have to figure out the best way to do that - for me.  The balance is currently fucked up, yeah?

So hey, if we talk? Welcome to my tribe. Pretty sure shit's gonna get weird in the best of ways. If we don't talk? Maybe we should!

Unexpected priest rage

This blog was started to help me deal with my grief.  It has. I thought I was going pretty good. Well, honestly, I really am.

Then... I started season one of This Is Life with Lisa Ling. First episode is about being called to the priesthood in Catholicism. Ok, cool, I like this stuff. Twins became priests.

Then... one of those twins was called to anoint the sick at a hospital. Father Gary anoints a woman with liver disease. She is ecstatic, and is visibly happy to have him there.

Rage. All. The. Rage.

All I could see was the priest with mom. Anointing the Sick and Reconciliation.  Viaticum.

As part of Viaticum, a priest can offer the Apostolic Pardon:

"May our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave to His blessed apostle Peter the power of binding and loosing, mercifully accept your confession and restore your baptismal innocence. And I, by the power given to me by the Holy See, grant you a plenary indulgence and remission of all sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

By the sacred mysteries of mankind’s restoration may almighty God remit for you the punishment of the present life and of the life to come, and may He open to you the gates of Paradise and admit you to everlasting happiness."

Mom was given this. It still makes me so angry. She was bed bound for thirteen motherfucking years or so. How the HELL did she SIN???

AND I, BY THE POWER GIVEN TO ME BY THE HOLY SEE, GRANT YOU A PLENARY INDULGENCE AND REMISSION OF ALL SINS;

Fuck you. Fuck your indulgences. She did not NEED your indulgence. Damn it still pisses me off.

Yeah, I know it's irrational. I know she wanted it, just like that lady in the show. I know. I know it's his job. I know. I still hate it.

I should have punched him. I would have probably been able to let it go a little quicker.

Ugh. Grief. Smash-A-Thon.

This is going to be a weird rambly post - forewarning.

A very dear friend of mine passed away suddenly on February 11th.  I make it through tough shit with humor.  A lot of times it's inappropriate - or awkward - but it helps me.  I'm also very private.  I don't post about my feelings on social media.  Not real actual feelings.  So it is filled with jokes, and news, or politics.

We were friends since we were 13ish.  I'm about to be 39.  That's a long time.

He was married to my best friend, they had a little girl and he already had a son.  I obviously have no idea how it feels to lose a spouse.  I made the decision as soon as I learned that he had passed, that I would keep my grief quiet, out of respect for hers.  Yeah, I know people tell you that all your feelings are valid - and they are!  But there IS a way things should be done.  You can disagree with me all you like, but it's a damn fact.  Grieving wife (or husband), and mother/father go first, in all things.  So no - it wasn't a notion of misplaced nobility - and it wasn't done so people could pat me on the back.  I honestly *hate* that.

It was also, just a smidge selfish.  Ok, maybe a lot.  I will totally own that.

You see, if I focused on doing what I could to help my friend, I could ignore the shenanigans in my own head.  If I nabbed a couple extra side jobs, helped with the funeral in ways that I could, and remained as busy as humanly possible - I could ignore all the rest of it.  Human nature - what a double edged sword.

All of that has to end at some point though, right?  The celebration of his life concluded.  I gave my eulogy.  I reconnected with some old friends, which was amazing.  I had a drink in his name.  I went home - well, kinda, I went to my next house sitting job.  And then the next day came, and all those stifled things kind of crashed over me.  I spent that first weekend wallowing in some grief, rage, sadness and yes a small dose of self-pity.  It's getting better day by day. 

By the way - I would not recommend dealing with things the way I do, mmkay?  Not so healthy.  I think I may attempt a Smash-A-Thon a la my good friend in Maine though.  Break all the things as therapy.  Then continue therapy in Krav.

You wanna smash things with me?  Let me know.  We'll make a plan. 

Penthos - and an Instructable

Life.  Every now and again it just eggs you in the face, you know? 

I literally just deleted a super long blog post here.  Decided that I'm not down for that level of sharing today.  I'll sum up with this:

Death is awkward bullshit.  Grief is ugly, and raw - which it's kind of supposed to be.  When you lose someone, you feel - and those feels don't always make sense.  Just let them be what they are.  (Note to self, and anyone else who might be having issues).  Let them be messy.  Cry.  Talk about the person you are missing.  Be mad.  Be sad.  Whatever!  Comfort the people that loved that person, if you can.  Recognize that there is *nothing* you can do to help - except by making yourself available. Understand that you can grieve without telling the world about it - or you can tell the whole damn world if you want - but it's not a competition and there's no right way to do it.  (See Mom, I did learn something!)

Me?  I think I'll just be quiet for a bit.  Do the best I can to support a friend I love dearly who is now a widow.  Pass on all the extra love I can get together for a little girl, and little boy, who have no daddy now. I'll remember all the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the dumb shit haha.  Rakkasan hooah!

Finishing Fine, GPS Off, and Camping Plans

I am so bad at making sure that I post here semi-regularly.  Sorry!!

Since it's been a couple weeks since my last post - the fitness challenge is over.  I am actually really proud of myself!  I completed 17 days of the 21.  The days that I missed were due to illness - not quitter-ness, so that is awesome too :)  There was a day when I, no shit, did 150 lunges.  Seriously - here it is:

WOD 16 - Half reps, knee push ups, bent leg dips. Broke it up into rounds:

20 Hip Mobility – 10 - 2 per round
300 Lunges – 150 - 30 per round
50 Knees ( 2 count as 1) – 25 – 5 per round
200 Press Ups – 100 – 20 per round
50 Knees ( 2 count as 1) – 25 - 5 per round
100 Dips ( Grab a chair) – 50 – 10 per round
50 Knees ( 2 count as 1) – 25 – 5 per round
20 Hip Mobility – 10 – 2 per round

5 Rounds

Yep - I did that - and lots of others.  I discovered that I enjoy pushing my boundaries a little bit.  I also discovered that I seriously dislike not only burpees, but push ups and all their fancy pants variations.  C'mon guys.  Sphinx push ups?  What base demon decided THAT bullshit was a good idea?  Not a chick - I can promise you that.

Sadly, Mr. SuperBeast broke himself during training and will be missing lots of class.  Hey hey!  We'll be thinking of you every time we have to attack Bob the dummy!  That just sounds wrong.  Regardless, we hope you heal well - and as my pops has always said - a good team will always have your six.  So we got your six Gimpalufagus.

Moving along...

In strange news, I think I might be morphing into a grumpy old lady.  The band on my Fitbit broke the other day, and I have just kinda put it aside on my night stand.  I read an article about how movement was tracked via fitness trackers to highlight map areas and decided... no.  I mean, realistically the chances that anyone anywhere is interested in my comings and goings is nil - however, it is still available, yeah?  Why in the world have we made ourselves so vulnerable?  So Fitbit gone.  That still leaves my cellphone and iPod.  I'm not sure how the hell I can disengage from my phone - but at least the iPod can stay off a lot.  The phone might be getting one of those crazy people cut the signal pouches.

I know, paranoia, thy name is Dani.  

I'm also beginning to look about and plan some adventures for the year.  Still have to get my passport renewed and get my passport card.  Stateside though, I'm going to try to go a Dark Sky event at one of the national parks.  Shenandoah Valley had one last year, and their site says 2018 information will be available soon.  I'm hoping that they follow through - because that would be the one to go to.  I also want to get a telescope by then so I can actually SEE the stars during that event.  There are already set events at other national parks, but they are all mid U.S. or on the west coast.  Doable - but with more difficulty than the east coast.

In the same vein, I want to do more camping this year.  I promised my sister that I would not go back country camping by myself if the park wasn't local. But!!  There are some local areas where I can do that.  Hike in, camp, hike back out.  I figure it's a good starting place - and since it's local, I can go on my own.  That way I can whine, bitch, moan and dump buckets of sweat with no witnesses haha.  This will in turn (hopefully) make me feel confident enough to do back country camping anywhere - and with friends.  It should also help me pare down what I carry with me.  Not in my bug out bag - just my hiking kit.  Hauling it for several miles will make the decision to toss stuff that much easier I think.

If you have suggestions for parks, or camping - pass them on to me!  <3

Effing Progress!

Alrighty! Today is day four of the fitness challenge.  I am super sore, and really tired.  I'm also really proud of myself. I have done each challenge - albeit with lower reps, or some modifications.  For those of you who give a shit, I'll copy the workouts of the day we've done so far.

Oh loyal readers, the things that I have learned.

               Yeah, I just said that.  Loyal. Readers.  Sounds fancy, doesn't it?? *sniffs* Please pass the Grey Poupon.

I expected to be sore, and frankly - slightly miserable.  I didn't expect the rest.  I posted briefly on social media about the emotional bull shit.  First.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  Why doesn't anyone mention that these things can happen??  I literally was convinced that I was losing my effing mind after ugly crying on the phone to my sister.  A little research later, and I discover that if you are overweight (not knocking myself, calm your tit - it's just facts), or just flat out of shape, and you suddenly start doing super intense exercises, then your brain gets a *massive* jolt from various endorphins and hormones.  This in turn will fuck you up (or at least me).  (It's all very science-y, yeah?)

I thought I was broken.  Turns out - I'm not broken!  Yippity goddamned skippity!

I am also breaking out like a teenage boy.  It's disgusting.  I sweat like a man, so I'm basically having to shower twice a day.  I'm not crying like a pregnant woman anymore - I'm just cranky today.  Not even a bad cranky.  Just.. snarky and salty.  Don't ask me to do complicated math though.  Wait.  I don't do that shit anyway. 

All complaining aside (and yes, I'm gonna complain - it is my prerogative)... It's actually going well.  Despite the soreness, the epic level tiredness, the zits, the crying jags, etc - it's good.  Don't ask me to say that out loud, I don't think I can make it happen.  I go really slow, and stop a lot to breathe - but I'm doing it.  I've discovered that I can do just about anything in increments of five.  I make hash marks on my paper with the WOD on it (workout of the day).  If I need to do 50 push ups?  I do ten sets of five.  It works.  For days 3 and 4 I did or am doing half reps.  For the first two days I did a little more than quarter reps.  15 in place of 50, etc.  Maybe by the end of this thing I'll be able to do full reps!



WOD 4: Thurs 11th

20 Hip Mobility

150 Lunges (150 in total using either leg)

50 Sphinx Push-Ups

100 Lunges (100 in total using either leg)

50 Sphinx Push-Ups

50 Lunges (50 in total using either leg)

50 Sphinx Push-Ups

25 Lunges (25 in total using either leg)

50 Sphinx Push-Ups

20 Hip Mobility




WOD 3: Weds 10th

20 Hip Mobility

30 Burpees

60 Squat Kicks (Front Kicks – 30 per leg)

50 Frog Jumps

30 Sit Throughs (15 on each side)

50 Press Ups

30 Sit Throughs (15 on each side)

50 Frog Jumps

60 Squat Kicks (Front Kicks – 30 per leg)

30 Burpees

20 Hip Mobility




WOD 2: Tues 9th

20 Hip Mobility

100 Roundhouse Kicks (right leg 100, left leg 100)

30 Sit-Ups 1-2

75 Roundhouse Kicks (right leg 75, left leg 75)

30 Sit-Ups 1-2

50 Hammerfist Press Ups

30 Sit-Ups 1-2

50 Roundhouse Kicks (left leg 50, right leg 50)

30 Sit-Ups 1-2

25 Roundhouse Kicks (left leg 25, right leg 25)

20 Hip Mobility




WOD 1: Mon 8th

20 Hip Mobility

50 Press Ups

50 Mountain Climbs (2 counts as one)

50 V Crunches

50 Squat Kicks

50 Eight Count Bodybuilder

50 Squat Kicks

50 V Crunches

50 Mountain Climbs (2 counts as one)

50 Press Ups

20 Hip Mobility

Beating Hot Metal & Making Combat Fitness work FOR me

*\o/*  We made it through the New Year!!

I did the blacksmithing thing - and IT WAS AWESOME!  The gentleman who was kind enough to let me intrude in his workshop shared a lot of information with me.  He and his wife were amazing.  Seriously.  Now, I get to smack around hot metal at a friends house a little closer to home.  It's odd, I figured I would like it... but not this much.  It's a weird feeling.  When you're hammering metal that is glowing orange, and you can *feel* it spreading out underneath your hammer.  So. Freaking. Cool.  There's a notch in the learn all the things resolution - which is awesome.  Begin as you mean to continue, or as you mean to end.

In class there's this crazy 21 Day Combat Fitness Challenge that a bunch of the schools are doing.  Not gonna lie, when I first looked at it all I could think was, "I can't do it."  Then I realized that attitude pretty well sucked ass.  So I canned it.  I harassed a friend, and got some extra moral support and someone to feel my pain with me.  Decided I was IN!

Then I saw the first WOD (workout of the day) and I cried a little bit.  Before you get all judgy, or whatever - stuff it and keep reading.  Sheesh.  

There are unfortunately things that I cannot do.  Not because I lack the will - but because my body cannot handle it yet.  YET.  I'm a chubby girl.  It's slow going.  It took me a little while today to get to the "yet" part.  I saw the post where they were like, "do half reps if you don't work out every day" and wanted to gag a little.  Half reps is still 25 reps for each exercise.  Let me show you it:

WOD 1: Mon 8th

20 Hip Mobility
50 Press Ups
50 Mountain Climbs (2 counts as one)
50 V Crunches
50 Squat Kicks
50 Eight Count Bodybuilder
50 Squat Kicks
50 V Crunches
50 Mountain Climbs (2 counts as one)
50 Press Ups
20 Hip Mobility

Hip mobility is no problem - I actually enjoy that one.  My whole body feels good after those.  I could probably do 25 of those other exercises if there were only 4 or 5 of them instead of 9.  I took my insecure self directly to my Instructor (thank allll the gods that she's patient) and spilled.  I told her I was worried about starting and not being able to finish - and then knocking my stupid brain back into "I can't" mode.  I was like.. what if I do quarter reps instead of half, and then hopefully move it up a notch in two weeks?  She thought that was a good plan, and I instantly felt better.  

Then I did the math, and it was some stupid number like 12.5.  O.o  Whut?  No.  So I settled on 15.   I'll modify the push ups, and do them on my knees.  I think the others I can do without mods - I'll just be slow.  And you know what?  That's OK.  Because I am going to do this.  I'm going to do this every day. Though the workouts will be different every day.  When I get home, by 6:30, I will have started.  Hope I don't die.  Fingers crossed or something lol

And then??  I'm hopefully going to go beat on some more hot metal.  And feel like a badass.  Because I can.