Patience, please. I'm fucking things up as fast as I can.

I stopped blogging. I stopped because I felt like I couldn't be honest anymore.

I'm always honest, at least about myself. The problem is that sometimes my story intersects with other people and situations.

"If I write about how X made me feel, then Person A will be upset/sad/anxious/worried/angry/embarrassed."

How do you separate? I'm still not great at it.

So. I am in the midst of a fairly terrible bout of depression. I don't talk about it. Very rarely. Who wants to hear that? And really, what is there to say? I am sad, a lot. I cry way more than I let on. Over stupid shit - like not being invited to something with friends (because apparently depression brain is 12), or over the fact that I can't do some move I've learned in Krav perfect, immediately after learning it. I cry because I am broke - or because the dude in the grocery store bagging my stuff looked at me funny.

This doesn't happen every day - not even every week.  So don't go freaking out thinking I've lost my mind.  Just often enough to be annoying. Typically right after I've convinced myself that: Hey! I am Ok!!!

It's a catch fucking twenty two because you want people to know - hey, I'm going through a thing - but you don't want all the side eye "is she ok"s, or people freaking out and treating you differently, or even asking a bunch of questions that you can't answer.

"What's up? Why are you down?"

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

I just am. It is what it is. It comes and goes. It's gotten a little worse since I quit smoking. I have no fucking idea.

I do know that it gets exponentially worse when I spend more time on social media.

Let's think about that for a second. Hrm... Yep, people all the world over are absofuckinglutely shitty to each other and we all congregate online. That's also a catch 22. Want to talk to folks, or be involved in something, and bam - shitty people. Hard pass.

It's cooling off. Some. I guess I gotta double down on myself, and seriously stay away from social media stuff in the evening, on the weekends. Haul my fat ass to the track, or the trail. Hopefully?

I dunno. I see it. I'm working on it. Just don't give up on me. Be patient. I'm trying to as well.