This is going to be a weird rambly post - forewarning.
A very dear friend of mine passed away suddenly on February 11th. I make it through tough shit with humor. A lot of times it's inappropriate - or awkward - but it helps me. I'm also very private. I don't post about my feelings on social media. Not real actual feelings. So it is filled with jokes, and news, or politics.
We were friends since we were 13ish. I'm about to be 39. That's a long time.
He was married to my best friend, they had a little girl and he already had a son. I obviously have no idea how it feels to lose a spouse. I made the decision as soon as I learned that he had passed, that I would keep my grief quiet, out of respect for hers. Yeah, I know people tell you that all your feelings are valid - and they are! But there IS a way things should be done. You can disagree with me all you like, but it's a damn fact. Grieving wife (or husband), and mother/father go first, in all things. So no - it wasn't a notion of misplaced nobility - and it wasn't done so people could pat me on the back. I honestly *hate* that.
It was also, just a smidge selfish. Ok, maybe a lot. I will totally own that.
You see, if I focused on doing what I could to help my friend, I could ignore the shenanigans in my own head. If I nabbed a couple extra side jobs, helped with the funeral in ways that I could, and remained as busy as humanly possible - I could ignore all the rest of it. Human nature - what a double edged sword.
All of that has to end at some point though, right? The celebration of his life concluded. I gave my eulogy. I reconnected with some old friends, which was amazing. I had a drink in his name. I went home - well, kinda, I went to my next house sitting job. And then the next day came, and all those stifled things kind of crashed over me. I spent that first weekend wallowing in some grief, rage, sadness and yes a small dose of self-pity. It's getting better day by day.
By the way - I would not recommend dealing with things the way I do, mmkay? Not so healthy. I think I may attempt a Smash-A-Thon a la my good friend in Maine though. Break all the things as therapy. Then continue therapy in Krav.
You wanna smash things with me? Let me know. We'll make a plan.
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