Back to our regularly scheduled topic of transformation, redefining, change, etc. I just really needed to get my thoughts out and down about this whole death penalty thing. (See previous post if you give two shits - if not, keep reading).
A friend of mine posted an article the other day titled "Transformation: If You're Enjoying it You're Doing it Wrong"
That hit pretty hard. Ok, really fucking hard.
http://www.rebellesociety.com/2017/06/01/clivetreadwell-transformation/
"Transformation isn't something you choose, it chooses you. Transformation happens alone."
The alone part really got to me. Not because I don't have awesome people - but because I do. Hrm. It's hard to explain. I'm going through this bullshit right - everything I used to do, be, etc IS NO LONGER. I know I've said it before, but that is a huge fucking deal. Some of the relationships that I have, I began while I was taking care of Mom, and helping with the family. That whole dynamic is different because... mom is dead, and I don't have to do much for the family.
I feel awkward and out of place. It doesn't mean I love those people any less - or am any less grateful for them - or that I'm getting rid of them. (You assholes are stuck with me for life) It does mean that I feel like I have to re-find my place in those relationships... does that make sense?
And yeah, that does lead into class. I am a person who sometimes needs a physical manifestation of a thing to "get it". Part of that transformation is physical. It's not even about literally transforming my body - but more of using my body to transform my head. Like.. the more I hurt, the clearer my head becomes. And not in the super crazy cut me way. That's what tattoos are for.
Every time I go in there, I push myself a little harder than the time before. I'm making myself move more at work. And outside - though it's seriously about to be too fucking hot for that shit. I despise sweating.
It's comfortable being surrounded by other people that are also transforming. Doesn't matter what their reasons are - transforming sucks - it hurts, and it's supposed to. If you want to make it out to the other side, you gotta suck it up and take one more step when your brain is telling you to stop.
Holy shite, that sounded suspiciously like a faux inspirational facebook meme. LAME.
It's still good. It's still kicking my ass - but I still love it. I am learning about myself. I went to class on Tuesday and took NO medication beforehand. We did some of the hardest drills I've done while going there - AND I FINISHED. I didn't finish lame either. I fucking finished awesome. I'm sore, and my knuckles are swollen - but it doesn't matter because it feels good. I'm listening to other people share their stories - in the small ways that people do, and I'm realizing that I am JUST as bold and awesome as they are.
Does that make sense? I go in there twice a week, and I'm always absolutely amazed by each one of these people. Even the kids! I'm in awe of what they are capable of - and watching them work, and having them help to teach me. It was only recently that I realized - I'm not too bad myself. I hate not being good at something. But you know what? I'm absolutely giving it my best - and FINISHING - and that. is. goddamn. awesome. I might never be great at it - but I'm going to DO, just like Master Yoda said to.
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