Gimme some damn drugs!! Also, all hail Hypnos, Somnos, and the Zorya - please?

Yay!  I survived Thanksgiving!  In all seriousness, it was actually nice to not be at home.  Though, the drive was some bullshit.  Now, I'm just trying to get back in my regular groove.

I made the choice to cancel my health insurance about a month ago.  It was already close to the end of the year, it was stupidly expensive for nothing, and I had an alternative to getting my psych meds - easy peasy. 

Oooh.  That sounds interesting "psych meds".  I'm not *that* crazy though.  Just your every day(ish) type crazy.

Anywho.  Fast forward.  I have not yet been able to get to said alternative.  I have run out of three of the four meds that I typically take.  One of them has been gone for a while because it's so expensive, so really it's just two I guess.  One of them I took every night to help me sleep.  My insomnia is directly linked to my anxiety.  Brain won't turn off = no sleeps.  Out of that one.  I figured, no big deal - I can just take my benadryl, and pass the fuck out.

Except no, no - that's not actually how that will work!  Instead, I take my benadryl and my anxiety manages to completely override it.  To the point that for two nights now, I've been up at 2 or 3 am.  Wide awake.  WIDE. AWAKE.  widemotherfuckingawake.

Have I ever mentioned that I am the type of person who needs to get her full nights sleep?  Or else I become quite the bitchy bitch?  No?  Well, there you go.

So here I am.  Thursday.  I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep in the last 48.  There are still five more hours to get through for the work day, then I have an hour drive home to survive.  I'm supposed to have class tonight.  When I get home - if I have that feeling, the one you get when you know you're going to be up no matter what you do - I'll get ready and go.  If I get home, and think I can actually manage to sleep - well, for my safety and yours, that will be happening.

I am also irritated that it is turning into quite the goddamned ordeal to get my medication at all.  I mean, I'm not taking any fucking narcotics - nothing that is seriously "controlled" - so there shouldn't be an issue.  Thanks pharmaceutical companies - I hope your CEO's all get sand fleas in their underwear, two flat tires, and a difficult to diagnose rash.  Assholes.

Cogito Ergo Sum, Bring the Hip-Waders - Bullshit for Days

Hello, holiday anxiety - I have missed you so.

You would think that because I have this forum with which to express myself, said expression would be easier.  It is not.  It's a ruse.  I still stop and think "What if so and so reads it? Huh, maybe I shouldn't say that because X will not like it".  I am terrible at censoring myself.  I also hate censoring myself.

I understand that sometimes it is necessary in polite society to think about others before you speak.  I also understand that if you constantly stop yourself from speaking, eventually you will explode.  Normal people are capable of finding the middle ground.  Sadly - I'm not particularly normal.

A lot of the emotions that people deal with on a daily basis are the result of their interactions with other people.  It isn't necessary really, to go into the why of a thing, is it?  It is entirely possible to simply let a thing be.  I can say that I feel very lonely right now - without giving any sort of context, and that's fine.  It is its own thing.  I am lonely.  The why doesn't matter in the great scheme of things - except as a means for someone who is NOT you, to prod at your life.  Sometimes my emotions are the result of my brain preparing to handle future interactions.  I am anxious.  That is its own thing as well - and requires no context.

I wish it was possible to live life with no context, or no explanation.  People say it's possible.  That's a lie.

I am lonely.
I am anxious.
I am depressed.
I am cautiously optimistic.
I am dissatisfied.
I dislike the holidays.
I am angry.
I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to hit, until I can't breathe.
I am happy.
I want to be held.
I want no one to touch me.
I am happy.
I miss a person.
I miss a thing.
I have no patience.
I love.
I love her.
I love him.
I love them.
I love it.
I hate him, and her, and them.
I am tired, and apathetic.
I
I
I
I

All of those things are true - all of them.  Their context is only available within me.  There is some power to that I guess.  When you read them though, and think of me, you want to understand or know - and that's a human response.  I don't have to share though.  Ever.

When you read them, and think of you, then it changes things.  Those are your secret truths, with their context only inside of you.  Makes things very different doesn't it?  Makes you understand why a person would not want to share.  Every person has felt every one of those things.  Even if you won't admit it out loud - it's happened.  Own it.  Own it without explanation.

Especially with the holidays here.  Just fucking be whatever it is you are.  No one is happy all the damn time - just as no one is genuinely miserable all the damn time.  Trying to convince the world otherwise has to be exhausting.

Noodle Arms, Carpe Noctem, and Decorative Fucking Gourds.

I decided to let my family come to the most recent belt ceremony.  It went surprisingly well.  We did our thing, looked pretty good for the demo, and went back to regular classes last night.

Today?  My arms are noodles.  It's awesome!!  I declared I hated running, so Mr. SuperBeast decided to up the ante as Instructor was out.  I mean, of course it's going to suck when it's happening.  But - sorry not sorry guys.  Even if I have to get mad at myself, and I screw up a lot, I have to admit that I like working hard to get there.

I'm beginning to get better adjusted to the time change.  This is my time of year guys.  The first few days suck - but after that?  BRING ON THE NIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!  I have so much more energy, and... oomph I guess, in the fall and winter.

No.  Really.  It'll kick in any moment now.

I would like it a bit better if it wasn't almost 80 outside.  But hey - global warming isn't real, and the internet is made of a series of tubes.

Not looking forward to the holidays much - for obvious reasons.  It will be holiday season number two without Mom.  Goddammit.

I am currently contemplating whether or not I want to send out cards.  It's kind of a huge undertaking.  I mean, I like to get *awesome* cards - and they aren't cheap, and then stamps, and remembering to put them in the mail box.  I think the list of people that I actually like a lot has shrunk since last year too - I'll have to ponder it.  So who knows.  You might get a card.  If you do - be happy, because I obviously like you.  A lot.

Happy Decorative Fucking Gourd Season.