Unexpected priest rage

This blog was started to help me deal with my grief.  It has. I thought I was going pretty good. Well, honestly, I really am.

Then... I started season one of This Is Life with Lisa Ling. First episode is about being called to the priesthood in Catholicism. Ok, cool, I like this stuff. Twins became priests.

Then... one of those twins was called to anoint the sick at a hospital. Father Gary anoints a woman with liver disease. She is ecstatic, and is visibly happy to have him there.

Rage. All. The. Rage.

All I could see was the priest with mom. Anointing the Sick and Reconciliation.  Viaticum.

As part of Viaticum, a priest can offer the Apostolic Pardon:

"May our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave to His blessed apostle Peter the power of binding and loosing, mercifully accept your confession and restore your baptismal innocence. And I, by the power given to me by the Holy See, grant you a plenary indulgence and remission of all sins; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

By the sacred mysteries of mankind’s restoration may almighty God remit for you the punishment of the present life and of the life to come, and may He open to you the gates of Paradise and admit you to everlasting happiness."

Mom was given this. It still makes me so angry. She was bed bound for thirteen motherfucking years or so. How the HELL did she SIN???

AND I, BY THE POWER GIVEN TO ME BY THE HOLY SEE, GRANT YOU A PLENARY INDULGENCE AND REMISSION OF ALL SINS;

Fuck you. Fuck your indulgences. She did not NEED your indulgence. Damn it still pisses me off.

Yeah, I know it's irrational. I know she wanted it, just like that lady in the show. I know. I know it's his job. I know. I still hate it.

I should have punched him. I would have probably been able to let it go a little quicker.

Ugh. Grief. Smash-A-Thon.

This is going to be a weird rambly post - forewarning.

A very dear friend of mine passed away suddenly on February 11th.  I make it through tough shit with humor.  A lot of times it's inappropriate - or awkward - but it helps me.  I'm also very private.  I don't post about my feelings on social media.  Not real actual feelings.  So it is filled with jokes, and news, or politics.

We were friends since we were 13ish.  I'm about to be 39.  That's a long time.

He was married to my best friend, they had a little girl and he already had a son.  I obviously have no idea how it feels to lose a spouse.  I made the decision as soon as I learned that he had passed, that I would keep my grief quiet, out of respect for hers.  Yeah, I know people tell you that all your feelings are valid - and they are!  But there IS a way things should be done.  You can disagree with me all you like, but it's a damn fact.  Grieving wife (or husband), and mother/father go first, in all things.  So no - it wasn't a notion of misplaced nobility - and it wasn't done so people could pat me on the back.  I honestly *hate* that.

It was also, just a smidge selfish.  Ok, maybe a lot.  I will totally own that.

You see, if I focused on doing what I could to help my friend, I could ignore the shenanigans in my own head.  If I nabbed a couple extra side jobs, helped with the funeral in ways that I could, and remained as busy as humanly possible - I could ignore all the rest of it.  Human nature - what a double edged sword.

All of that has to end at some point though, right?  The celebration of his life concluded.  I gave my eulogy.  I reconnected with some old friends, which was amazing.  I had a drink in his name.  I went home - well, kinda, I went to my next house sitting job.  And then the next day came, and all those stifled things kind of crashed over me.  I spent that first weekend wallowing in some grief, rage, sadness and yes a small dose of self-pity.  It's getting better day by day. 

By the way - I would not recommend dealing with things the way I do, mmkay?  Not so healthy.  I think I may attempt a Smash-A-Thon a la my good friend in Maine though.  Break all the things as therapy.  Then continue therapy in Krav.

You wanna smash things with me?  Let me know.  We'll make a plan. 

Penthos - and an Instructable

Life.  Every now and again it just eggs you in the face, you know? 

I literally just deleted a super long blog post here.  Decided that I'm not down for that level of sharing today.  I'll sum up with this:

Death is awkward bullshit.  Grief is ugly, and raw - which it's kind of supposed to be.  When you lose someone, you feel - and those feels don't always make sense.  Just let them be what they are.  (Note to self, and anyone else who might be having issues).  Let them be messy.  Cry.  Talk about the person you are missing.  Be mad.  Be sad.  Whatever!  Comfort the people that loved that person, if you can.  Recognize that there is *nothing* you can do to help - except by making yourself available. Understand that you can grieve without telling the world about it - or you can tell the whole damn world if you want - but it's not a competition and there's no right way to do it.  (See Mom, I did learn something!)

Me?  I think I'll just be quiet for a bit.  Do the best I can to support a friend I love dearly who is now a widow.  Pass on all the extra love I can get together for a little girl, and little boy, who have no daddy now. I'll remember all the good stuff, the bad stuff, and the dumb shit haha.  Rakkasan hooah!

Finishing Fine, GPS Off, and Camping Plans

I am so bad at making sure that I post here semi-regularly.  Sorry!!

Since it's been a couple weeks since my last post - the fitness challenge is over.  I am actually really proud of myself!  I completed 17 days of the 21.  The days that I missed were due to illness - not quitter-ness, so that is awesome too :)  There was a day when I, no shit, did 150 lunges.  Seriously - here it is:

WOD 16 - Half reps, knee push ups, bent leg dips. Broke it up into rounds:

20 Hip Mobility – 10 - 2 per round
300 Lunges – 150 - 30 per round
50 Knees ( 2 count as 1) – 25 – 5 per round
200 Press Ups – 100 – 20 per round
50 Knees ( 2 count as 1) – 25 - 5 per round
100 Dips ( Grab a chair) – 50 – 10 per round
50 Knees ( 2 count as 1) – 25 – 5 per round
20 Hip Mobility – 10 – 2 per round

5 Rounds

Yep - I did that - and lots of others.  I discovered that I enjoy pushing my boundaries a little bit.  I also discovered that I seriously dislike not only burpees, but push ups and all their fancy pants variations.  C'mon guys.  Sphinx push ups?  What base demon decided THAT bullshit was a good idea?  Not a chick - I can promise you that.

Sadly, Mr. SuperBeast broke himself during training and will be missing lots of class.  Hey hey!  We'll be thinking of you every time we have to attack Bob the dummy!  That just sounds wrong.  Regardless, we hope you heal well - and as my pops has always said - a good team will always have your six.  So we got your six Gimpalufagus.

Moving along...

In strange news, I think I might be morphing into a grumpy old lady.  The band on my Fitbit broke the other day, and I have just kinda put it aside on my night stand.  I read an article about how movement was tracked via fitness trackers to highlight map areas and decided... no.  I mean, realistically the chances that anyone anywhere is interested in my comings and goings is nil - however, it is still available, yeah?  Why in the world have we made ourselves so vulnerable?  So Fitbit gone.  That still leaves my cellphone and iPod.  I'm not sure how the hell I can disengage from my phone - but at least the iPod can stay off a lot.  The phone might be getting one of those crazy people cut the signal pouches.

I know, paranoia, thy name is Dani.  

I'm also beginning to look about and plan some adventures for the year.  Still have to get my passport renewed and get my passport card.  Stateside though, I'm going to try to go a Dark Sky event at one of the national parks.  Shenandoah Valley had one last year, and their site says 2018 information will be available soon.  I'm hoping that they follow through - because that would be the one to go to.  I also want to get a telescope by then so I can actually SEE the stars during that event.  There are already set events at other national parks, but they are all mid U.S. or on the west coast.  Doable - but with more difficulty than the east coast.

In the same vein, I want to do more camping this year.  I promised my sister that I would not go back country camping by myself if the park wasn't local. But!!  There are some local areas where I can do that.  Hike in, camp, hike back out.  I figure it's a good starting place - and since it's local, I can go on my own.  That way I can whine, bitch, moan and dump buckets of sweat with no witnesses haha.  This will in turn (hopefully) make me feel confident enough to do back country camping anywhere - and with friends.  It should also help me pare down what I carry with me.  Not in my bug out bag - just my hiking kit.  Hauling it for several miles will make the decision to toss stuff that much easier I think.

If you have suggestions for parks, or camping - pass them on to me!  <3