Do the thing. Just do it.

Some days are better than others.  Today was decent.  I had another Krav Maga class - and I'm still excited.  After talking with my instructor, and one of my fellow students, after class I realized that I've been working on that list subconsciously.  You know - that list I posted forever ago, about redefining yourself?

RECAP!!

1.  List new qualities - DONE

2.  Break one bad habit - DONE - Quit smoking - boom!

3.  Reinforce friendships, make new friends - Still working on this one, it should be continuous

4.  Decide what defines you - Still working on this one too

5.  Follow one old passion - broke out my crochet hooks the other day.  It's gonna happen.

6.  List what you love - My person, my friends, my family, my books, art, music, movement.

7.  Be realistic - We'll get into that below

8.  Be positive - this one is tough sometimes, but I'm working on being Positive Fucking Patty

9.  Make a visual - More below

10.  Ignore what others think - got this one down.

So - decide what defines you.  I don't know that it's something that people actively think about, unless and until it changes.  If you had asked me what defined me a couple of years ago, I probably would have given you some inane answer involving reading, learning, etc.  In reality, I have found that while those things HELP to define me, they did not define me.  The things I did every day defined me.  Taking care of mom defined me.  Dealing with nurses defined me.  Clearing catheters, making soft foods, talking and reading to mom defined me.  Working every day, and having that almost second life at the office defined me.  Reading to escape what I did every day - defined me.

Those things no longer define me.  They no longer exist really.  Mom is gone, and although when I'm home I catch myself thinking I need to go check on her - I don't.

Taking these classes help to define me.  I guess more of a shaded outline - if that makes sense.  It's the broad sweeps that *I've* decided will be my outline.  I've made the conscious decision to do something completely new, and a little frightening, but exciting all at the same time.

I dunno - maybe it's easier because these awesome people are new?  They didn't know me from before.  They didn't see the caterpillar - they're just kind of seeing the cocoon.  Whoa, buddy - that's a lot of damn cliches but what the hell.

Ok, moving on to the whole being realistic.  So.  I am a klutz.  I jacked up my ankle.  It's not BAD hurt or anything, and I am aware that you're supposed to rest it, elevate it, etc.  But really, who has time for that??  Well... this girl now has to make time for that.  I was really worried that when I went back to class I would be in trouble, or I don't know, feel dumb because I managed to hurt myself.  Instead, my instructor was again fabulous - and showed me how to work around it and to take care of it.  I'm learning.  I'm stubborn as shit, but I am learning.

I'm sure there was something else I was supposed to mention here, but goddamn man, I am SORE, super hungry, and sleepy.  So eff that.

I love you, Mom.  I'm doing it.  I'm gonna finish it too.

Looking back, looking close, looking up

*waves*  Hey!  Yeah, I know - two months off.  And damn, there was a lot in those two months.  A short version of the past couple months could be:

-Don't assume you know how a person is grieving - even if they're family.  You're probably wrong.
-Kindness from anyone is a good thing, soak it up when it happens
-Don't compare your own grieving process to anyone else's - even if they're family.  You're not doing things the same way, and that's ok.


I mean, there was more - but for the purposes of this blog, that about sums things up.  In the meantime.. my best friend has been telling me about her kids going to karate.  She had nothing but glowing things to say about the family that ran the studio.  I finally had a chance to get out there, and I was present for their belt ceremonies.  It was awesome.  It was *so* awesome, that I - Super Anxiety Girl - went back, for a class.  That class was so awesome that I actually paid to continue taking classes.  So yeah, twice a week I'm basically getting my ass kicked by a room full of super nice strangers while learning Krav Maga.

Couple things here - I haven't gone out much at all since Mom died.  In the beginning that was fairly normal I guess, but then it got pretty bad.  My doctor suggested some anti-depressants, I accepted, and made an appointment with a shrink.  Being that I *am* Super Anxiety Girl, I was freaking myself out over the fact that I was freaking out over the fact that mom died.  Does that make sense?  Anyway, I saw said shrink - who was *amazing* and he was like, yeah - no big deal, we'll probably take you off of these around April.  You just need some help getting over the hump of your bereavement.  That made sense to me.  I take anti-anxiety meds every day, but depression isn't really my issue.  This all happened in January - and lo and behold there was light from above, and roughly two weeks into medication Dani was seen outside her home.  Fanfuckingtastic!  Seriously - baby steps in the right direction.

Anyway - all that drivel to lead up to the fact that while I have been getting OUT more regularly, signing up for regular Krav Maga classes is a little out of my norm... even before Mom's death.  Yet, I really like it.  I'll be coming off of these "new" meds, and I have something to do - regularly - after work that makes strange sense to me.  One of my sisters was surprised that I was going through with it.  I guess that makes sense.  But it makes me feel more in control.  And for me?  That's amazing ;)

Oh, and I quit smoking too.  Right?  I mean, why?  Although, I gotta say, breathing easier is nice when random nice strangers are kicking your ass twice a week.

Love!!