Thank you, and fuck off.

This shit is bananas.  Just for the record - in case anyone was wondering, anywhere in the world.  Fuck. This. Noise.

The holidays are fast approaching.  This will be the first Thanksgiving in years that I haven't cooked.  We won't be at our house, we're going to my best friend's house.  Which is best in the end.  I don't know that Dad could handle being home.  Hell, I don't think I could handle being home.  Not without a giant bottle of wine. Or you know, vodka.  But that's just one hurtle.  Then we have to find a way to get through Christmas.  Then New Year's. Then then then.  It's never ending.

People ask me how I'm doing.  I tell them I'm fine.  I mean, I am really - as fine as I can be.  Though some days?  Some days I want to scream at them that my feelings are none of their business.  That I don't owe them any of my emotions.  I don't though because I can at least recognize that is an irrational reaction.  Then something else comes up, and I calm down.  And we start over.

There really have been many more good days than bad.  It's just this time of year.  "BE THANKFUL!"   How about fuck you?  I'm not feeling very thankful at the moment.  Probably not gonna happen tomorrow either.  Yeah, I'm sure I could wax poetic on the fact that I have my father, my sisters, and my friends.  And I do.  I don't ignore that.  I just can't be thankful.

Thankful for what?  The ONLY thing I am thankful for right now is that mom isn't in pain anymore.  Other than that?  I say again, Fuck You, Universe.  I am not thankful that one of the best women in the world was utterly destroyed by a freaking disease.  I'm not thankful that myself, and my family, spent the last 13 years watching her waste away.  I am not thankful that we had to watch her die. I refuse to be thankful for any of it.  I don't give a damn about your cliche's - or your religious platitudes.  I don't want to hear about god.  I don't want to hear about how I should look at the positive things and BE FUCKING THANKFUL.  I'm not thankful.  I am angry, sad, and perhaps - a little belligerent.

Nope.  Thanksgiving can suck it.  The universe can suck it.  This whole fucking season can suck it. At least for right now.