Plans

I've touched on the weird freedom issue I've been having.  It's really hard to explain to other people.  For so long it was imperative that I be close to home, so that if something happened I could be there in a trice.  When I got out of work, I would immediately go home.  I needed to relieve my Dad, who had been there all day.  On the weekends, we had to take turns.  If one was out, the other had to be home.  One of us was always there with Mom, B.M.D.  April helped us out as well - if Dad had appointments during the day, etc.  She was a godsend.  Still is really.

That was the norm.  I would get frustrated by it, and then feel guilty for being frustrated by it.  I would get into a mood where I was chafing at the bit - I was ready to be away from there.  I had moments where all I could think was, "I don't want to take care of anyone, anymore".  Then I would feel guilty about that.  I would see the way my Dad cared for my Mom.  I would remember the way she cared for us.  That would be all it took.  Now?  I remember those feelings and get overwhelmingly sad, because I would do it all over again for another thirteen years to have her back.

When I get out of work... I nearly always immediately go home.  Oh, I've not gone home right away a couple of times, to spend time with important folks.  But my routine is almost the same.  I want to change it, but I don't really have it in me to just go sit somewhere with a bunch of strangers.  I don't want to go spend money at a bar.  I don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of people even if I do know them, because my head and heart are still shaky, and my mood swings can be fairly epic.

There has to be some middle ground.  Something I feel like I can work towards, but doesn't make me so extremely uncomfortable.  Don't get all self-righteous on me either - I'm not planning on hermiting for the rest of my life, I promise.  I just have to do this my own way.

My thought is this... I have *always* wanted to travel.  Mom and I would talk about the places we wanted to go, see, and touch - but we never had the money for it.  Of course she thought I was crazy for wanting to see some of the places on my lists, but it didn't matter.  I think this will be what I work toward.  I mean, I don't have piles of money just laying about to start spending on travel.  I can start saving though, a little bit at a time, so that when my head and my heart are a little less shaky - I can go.

After the holidays, I may get a second job - I have time now.  And that little bit of money can go right into my travel savings.  I think Mom would approve. She may not physically be able to see and experience things with me, but she'll be there.  I'm going to update my passport this month - that will be my first concrete step.

Speaking of lists - these are a few of the places I want to see

Russia
Czech Republic
England
Scotland
Norway
Finland
Iceland
Croatia
Hungary
Syria
Iran
Morocco
Namibia
Columbia
South Africa
Alaska
The Black Hills
Wisconsin - shush, House on the Rock and the Dells
The west coast
Arizona again
New Mexico
Vancouver
New Zealand

So many more.  Maybe I'll just work as much as I can in order to travel for the rest of my life.