Just get over this hill

Christmas is in four days.  It's cold outside.  There was frost on the ground this morning.  The plants on my porch are all dead.  Some of them I could have saved I guess, but there were a few funeral plants out there.  I think I didn't want to keep them, so I subconsciously "forgot" them.  Isn't that horrible?

I'm at work. The office Christmas party is today.  I dressed up - ish.  Put makeup on my face. Am in a funk.  We're doing a potluck.  I brought nothing (isn't that horrible?).  I need to go to the store and get some candy to share I guess.  There were spontaneous tears today for some reason.  Haven't done that in a while.  Thankfully, I have people I talk to during the day that remind me that it's OK to have that happen every now and again. And to remind me that rescue meds are there for a reason haha.  Countdown to sanity begins now.  Gods bless pharmaceuticals.  Now, to just get over this hill.

I have to get home and wrap presents, put away the detritus from painting, etc and do laundry.  Oh, and perhaps start writing my research paper on mariology that's due on Sunday.  You know, like a fully functional adult human.  We'll see how that goes.

I did remember to bring my Christmas cards in - only now I'm afraid that some of my work people are going to be all offended by them.  This is the month of feeling like I can't win.  I know it will pass - but it certainly sucks while it's happening.

Distracting myself by discussing politics on FB isn't working very well - but hey, I gave it the old college try, right??  This is another one that I wasn't going to post.  I made a promise though, in the beginning, that I would be honest.  So it all needed to come out.

Honesty - dammit man.  I'm enjoying getting gifts for other folks - though, I think I would rather just drop them off than do the whole gather 'round the tree stuff.  It's Joey's first Christmas though, so we need to do that.  I have people that are all stressed out about what to buy, or not being able to buy, etc.  None of that matters.  None of it.  I don't *need* anything, and the things that *I* bought were neither extravagant nor expensive.  I did it because it makes me feel good - so in a sense, it's totally selfish.  You know what I want?  Some quiet hours in your company.  I want to relax with the people I care about - and just kind of BE.  Maybe make some dinner.  Or watch a ridiculous movie.  Make me laugh.

I want to make sure that the people I surround myself with know, without a doubt, how much they are loved.  Because you are.  Even when I'm all jacked up and emotionally retarded - you are loved.  Wholly, beautifully, illuminatingly loved.

Much more Krampus than Kringle

I haven't posted in a bit, and quite frankly, I wasn't going to.  Then I had some folks ask me if I had blogged recently.  Well... no, no I have not.

I've stopped myself because this is the season of joy, and family, and giving and ALL of that bullshit.  Yep.  Not feeling festive.  Like at all.

Yet, I'm cognizant of the fact that everyone else is.  So. I've just been quiet.  Well - except for Christmas cards.  I love my strange Christmas cards.

I'm not sure if things are falling apart because they ARE or if it just feels that way because it's December.  Does that make sense?  (Oh, and for you family people reading this - do not freak out on me and come swooping down on Georgia. Trust me when I say I need less crazy, not more. Love you though)  My father is jacked up.  I'm jacked up.  My sisters are - wait for it - jacked up.  Mom loved the holidays - she always over decorated for Christmas, and made things gaudy and bright.

I've had folks be like, "You need to keep up the tradition for her!"  My response is always, "We'll see" when in my head I'm really saying, "Eff off."  I know people mean well - I really do, which is why I keep those responses in my head.  But really - unless and until you lose someone vitally important to you, and then less than six months later have to get through the holidays - please don't say you understand, or that you know what I need to do.  You don't.  Is it coming from a good place?  Absolutely - and I know that.  But a huge black coal filled part of me just doesn't give a fuck.  Which sounds awful - but what the hell - it's honest.  One thing I promised myself was that I would always be honest here.

Apathy, thy name is Dani.  I'm psyching myself up by getting presents for people I care about.  I love giving gifts.  I just kind of want to drop them off on their porches though, instead of doing the whole "Fa-la-la-la" Christmas tree crap.  Why?  I can't bring myself to care.  I don't particularly want to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  I don't want to celebrate Yule.  I don't want to praise and rejoice.  That fucker stole my mom.  Hell no.

And my religious friends (and family) - you don't get to freak out on me either, mmmmmkay?  ;)  I am absolutely allowed to feel how I feel.

I'm going to see my local family, the couple of people that I can tolerate (honesty again - and who can tolerate me right now), and call it done.  I'm going to celebrate the people I have, not Christmas.  I'll probably put out the tree, because Mom would have, but dammit - if I don't do anything else, don't tell me I have to, or I should.  We'll be OK.  Probably just not this particular holiday season.